Introspective Insights

Introspective - adj: Examining sensory and perceptual experiences. Insight - n: The capacity to discern the true nature of a situation.

To Be Known
If you know me, you know that I’m an outgoing person.  I love to laugh and talk and drink coffee while
discussing every detail of my life.  If
you have known me a long time, you know that I am pretty intense – I feel joy,
anger, and excitement – all in about the same minute.  What you may not know about me is that I used
to be a better friend than I am today.

You see, time and experience and my own internal struggles
have led me to this point where I have become a shallow, and distant
friend.  If you knew me then, you would
have called me the “Cruise Director” as most of my friends did then.  I was always making plans to do this and that
and everyone was invited.  I would get
excited about even the most minute detail and ponder the event over and over
and think of all the fun that we would have. 
The event would come and I expected it all to be over the top, no matter
what the experience.  I love trying new
things – especially new foods. 
Unfortunately on more than one occasion I’ve had to say, “This is not
what I expected.”

If you were my friend then, I would have called you
regularly – checked in more – just to find out how you were.  There was something in me that just had to
know.  I had to know what made you tick,
what your experience was that day – what you had for breakfast and what color
shirt seemed like a good idea and did you wear those same earrings or something
new?  Did you buy the shoes?  Did you talk to her about the same old
thing?  How did that book make you
feel?  I thrived on the simple day-to-day
of who you were. 

But then my interactions with friends were not as
frequent…plans not made, kept or reciprocated…phone calls unreturned.  Things were allowed to get the in the way –
work, children, and who knows what.  My
striving for those friendships was dashed – unreturned, unopened,

I didn’t know it, but this slow process of drawing in
began.  Drawing into this darkness and
I am still friendly, still
outgoing, but there is this part of me deep inside that assumes that we will
never become better friends than these superficial masks that we wear and that
my attempts at frequent contact and a real knowing with you will not
happen.  And so I try less and less.  My faux list of Facebook friends grows and
yet there is this horrible lonely part of myself that longs to be known.  Known by another like me or different…or
intense like me or reserved unlike me – but really exposed to who this frozen
soul is. 

How do I begin again? 
How do I become that intense, angry, loud, boisterous, silly, fun,
unpredictable person that I was?  How do I
reach out and seek to know that part of you that also longs to be known – in
this sisterhood of friendship so few of us dare to become initiated into? 
I don’t know right now.  But I know I need to learn to walk the edge
of this cliff again – fearing that one wrong step I could fall off, but fearing
a greater danger of walking so far over to the solid ground that I cannot see
the breathtaking view of the edge. 


Hi! I'm Jennifer. I'm here in my little corner of southeastern Michigan observing relationships, family, and the world hoping to dig deeper and find the divine spark in it all. Thanks for visiting!

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